the honest truth

I’ve been hiding. I’ve hid this blog from people for ages. I don’t link to it on facebook or twitter. I don’t talk about it much in real life. I’m afraid. Of what I am afraid of I’m not exactly sure. I think for people to see more of me and judge me. Make fun of me.

Well, today I’m outing myself on facebook. And twitter. And I’ll talk to you about it in real life too.

And I’m outing my week too.

My grandfather was taken to the hospital by ambulance Sunday night for surgery. He should be fine, he had surgery and is recovering. But it really brings the reality of how short life is to you when loved ones are sick.

See the post below about our budget? I applied for a job. Kind of on a whim. I didn’t think I would really do it. And then they called for an interview. I did that last night. Not a single soul (besides Kelly) knows about this. Until now I guess. It’s retail, that’s about the only thing I can do in the evenings and weekends. And we can’t afford to put the kids in daycare. Do I want a job? Do I want to work? Will I even take it if they offer? I don’t know.

This morning I had a doctor’s appointment. I had a funny looking issue with one of my breasts. The doctor agreed and thought she felt a lump. She sent me downstairs for a mammogram and ultrasound. My first mammogram. Alone. I could only worry and feel scared and alone. The ultrasound and mammogram people (techs?) said they both looked clear and not to worry. Apparently a radiologist will read it and get back to me later though.

On Monday Ada will be getting new tubes put in her ears. One is blocked (or has fallen out) and she has had two ear infections in the last month. She’s up all night (I’m up all night). I know it’s a small and quick procedure. We’ve done it once before. But I still worry about her.

My to-do list is piling up. My want-to-do list is never ending. And here I am barely holding it together. My eyes well up with tears at silly radio commercials. My body is exhausted and aching. I know this is all temporary. But I just want to go sleep for the next few days.

Through it all there is so much beauty. I know this. I have so much to be thankful for. I’m just not really there right now.

So there you have the honest truth.

seriously now.

The husband balanced the checkbook. And pulled up the budget spreadsheets (oh, yes, spreadsheets).

He said “Kel, we need to talk about the budget” and I ran the other direction.

I hate really, really dislike budget talks. Sure I can talk a good talk and say that I’ll just use cash. But when it comes down to it, I use cash and then a little bit of the check card here. Or just this one tiny time the credit card. Or, darn, I really think I need that item there.

All those little purchases add up. And up until this year it wasn’t really a problem. We could count on the husband getting a bonus at work and it would cover most of the little extras.

Until there was no bonus. As in, this year there will be no bonus. As in about 20% of our income not coming in this year.

And cue me freaking out. Searching for a part time job in the evenings. Trying to find a way to make up the money.

And the husband remaining calm. And saying “Just use the cash only!” without realizing how hard that is.

There will be no extra purchases. We can squeak by with the expenses we have now and try to put a little bit into savings in case something big comes up.

And I’m left feeling extremely frustrated. And hopeless. And unable to understand (logically) how this is going to work out.

And the husband says “God will provide.” and I have to just sit with that thought a little longer.

So I’m trying to stay motivated.  I try to stay positive. Some days that is easy. Some days that is hard. But the fact remains that I don’t have a choice.

I put away the apples from the store and I think thank you God for providing our family with enough money to feed ourselves fresh fruit.

I cross off something on the list that isn’t really a need but rather a “want” and I (try to) thank God for teaching me about wants and needs.

I say no to an activity at church that I want to do but costs a lot and there isn’t cash to cover it and I say thank you to God for giving me time with my family.

Things will have to be cut this year. We will be learning to live with less and enjoy more of the things we already have. A good lesson when you can get past being upset about it. I feel like God will keep giving me the same lesson over and over until I learn. I thought we had the budget thing figured out. But we shouldn’t have been counting on that bonus in the first place – it changes in amount every year, and this year even shows us that we might not get it at all. So thank you God for the lesson and the ability to learn again. And again. And again.

me & my girl

I notice when I upload photos from my phone that there are a lot of pictures of Ada. I spend a lot of time with her. She is my little shadow lately. So I wanted them all in one place.

At the grocery store with just Ada.

Thoroughly enjoying some sour cream.

Having a snack after nap.

At Bread Oven sharing croissants.

Sleeping (extreme close-up I realize, best I could do one handed).

At the ENT again.

Resolutions, Goals, Call Them What You Will

My friend Lizz inspired me to create a list of resolutions, or goals, for the new year.

I’ve had a hard time getting excited about a new year starting. The month of December was a bit busy-busy-rush-all-the-time-and-everywhere for us. So the fact that the new year was even starting was kind of not registering for me. And I kind of feel like my “30 while I’m 30″ list is enough of a goal itself.

It is helpful to put it all in one spot though.

1 : Drink water and more of it. This sounds silly maybe, and so easy. But I find on a typical day that I don’t drink any water. And I’m hopeful that my afternoon tiredness is partially from this. I have a Klean Kanteen 27 oz bottle and I would like fill it and drink it three times a day. If I’m drinking enough water I will hopefully not be drinking soda and other not-so-healthy items.

2 : Run the Lincoln Half Marathon. And complete the half marathon. I don’t have a time goal really. I mean, I have a number I would like to come in under. But for my first I am going to set a personal record no matter what. I just want to enjoy it.

3 : Discuss the possibility of a fourth girl joining our family in 2013.

4 : Celebrate more – have friends over for dinner. light candles on the table for lunch on a Tuesday. bring out a bottle of sparkly prosecco for a random dinner. wear the cute clothes. I tend to think you have to have a real reason to celebrate, but every day can be a celebration.

5 : Clean up and clean out – ask myself “if I were moving, would I take this with me?” and donate to thrift. We have so much stuff, and a lot of it we don’t even use.

monday: best of last week

:: “They don’t resist temptation — they avoid it entirely.” This quote is from this article called “The Willpower Trick” (which I found from this link) and in my case it is so true. If I have food in the house that I can’t resist, I will eat it. I’ve found the best way to avoid it is to not bring it in the house at all ::

:: email from a reader – building the motivation to lose weight – I think this applies to motivation in all areas of our lives ::

:: living with children I love this series and this one especially is pretty great ::

:: the truth about your “Dora” chicken noodle soup (I’m sorry) ::

lately

1 : I recently checked out Mom from the library. And it’s amazing. I seriously loved this book. I laughed and cried, real tears. Moms are so special. And the entire StoryCorps project is so cool. I would love to do that with some of my relatives. I really want to read the new book about marriage – All There Is.

2 : I don’t understand the fad diet/exercise craziness. I’m talking about P90x and Insanity and the Paleo Diet and I could go on and on. These are not lifestyle changes – I mean, P90x is a one-and-a-half hour workout six days a week. Seriously? Who can keep that up for a lifetime? I also recently read The Fat Trap and it really makes you wonder if permanent (extreme) weight loss is possible. I just wish people would treat their bodies with respect. Rest if it tells you to rest. Work out if it tells you to workout. Eat vegetables when you crave them. Have some sweets. I am by no means perfect at this but I’m working at it and hope to get better and better.

2 : I used to get really upset about mom’s who would say “my boy is like this because he is a boy and my girl is like this because she is a girl” when they had one of each. I mean, my girls are all different, and they are all girls. But now I realize that their children being who they are is their reality, do you know what I mean? If they have one boy and one girl and that is how they are and that is how they perceive them, then it is because that is their real life. That is what they know. So I’m backing off now.

3 : I made apple bread again. And then ate it in less than 24 hours. This maybe should go on my list of “things I can not bake for fear that I will eat the whole thing in 24 hours”.

4 : I had tea & a sweet with a friend a few weeks ago. She said something to the effect of “I realized I needed to let go of my own insecurities and not project them onto my children.” and at first I was thinking “I’m NOT insecure” and then I thought “oh yes, I can see that now, I am”. And I thought what she said was brilliant. I don’t need to project my baggage on to them.

5 : And on that note, why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Maybe it is just me? I have lots of acquaintances, but taking it beyond that is proving difficult for me. Slowly though, I’m finding a group of people who get me.

6 : I had a fun night out with the husband. No kids!

7 : Bella came home:

8 : I really, really want to do Project Life. But the money and the time are really, really not there to make this happen. So I’m not saying ‘never’ but I’m saying ‘not right now’.

9 : This girl amazes me with how big she is all of the sudden. Writing her name. Taking an interest in words and letters more and more (finally, we wait for them to show us an interest. we don’t push it on them while they are little).

10 : And I made this porridge/oatmeal (thanks to all my pinterest friends who pinned it!) and it was good! Very smooth and not chewy like traditional steel-cut oats. Cora loved it, Della wasn’t sure, and the husband and I really liked it too. I added a bit of broken up walnuts on top of mine to give it some crunch.

11 : A bonus number eleven. Lucky you (sarcasm). I made a bucket out of fabric with this maya made burlap bucket pattern. I didn’t have the right fabric but I still really like how it turned out.

A Salad A Day….

…..keeps the doctor away?

We decided to try the “salad in a jar” idea that is/was all over pinterest awhile back. I can’t ever get their search function to work and I can’t find the original post that gave us the idea. I found it here. I also saw it on Peas & Thank You.

So for the last few weeks we have gone to Costco and purchased a huge bag of spinach, cherry/grape tomatoes, and carrots.

We each have our own favorite dressings as well.

And we add beans to the mix – I should be making these from scratch but I just haven’t had the time (or let’s be honest here, the desire) to be doing so lately. We switch it up between black beans and chickpeas.

And then into the jars it goes. Beans & dressing go on the bottom, followed by tomatoes and carrots. Kelly adds cheese sometimes. And then we pack in as much spinach as we can.

I was worried that there wouldn’t be enough spinach in the salad but it makes a great sized salad.

And it is so, so nice to not have to think about lunch! We get home from the school pick-up(s) and I make the girls a sandwich and I dump my salad into a bowl. Lunch is served.

We don’t do this for losing weight. Neither of us is interested in that. I think it originated because we both wanted to get more vegetables in our diet. This is a great way to do it though I think we could add more vegetables to the jar – any ideas?

Knitting – I actually finished something!

I started the Gaptastic Cowl (ravelry link) on our way to South Dakota over New Year’s weekend. I finished it on the 1st of January. It was a relatively quick knit but I was in the car for a long, long time over those few days.

I used Lion Brand Wool Ease Thick & Quick yarn. It is a little itchy. I knew that going into the project, it has a fair amount of acrylic in it and that usually makes me itch. It’s fine for me though I would like to knit another in something softer.

Movies Lately

SherryBaby – I’m a big, big fan of Maggie. She’s great in so many movies. I can’t figure out why she did this movie though. It was bad. I usually don’t dislike movies as much as I disliked this one. I didn’t feel like it gave the viewer anything.

Happythankyoumoreplease – Hipsters living in New York City. Fairly slow moving. But good in the end. I liked this one.

I Don’t Know How She Does It – SJP is another of my favorite actresses. I loved SATC. I loved this. Kelly called it “SATC for mothers.” and I probably would agree with that. But it was good, cute, fun and easy. I like an easy & fun movie sometimes.

Hangover 2 – I admit I wasn’t expecting much from this. I thought the first one was hilariously funny. Yes, not appropriate at times. But so darn funny. And I hadn’t read great reviews about this sequel to the first one. I have to say it was just okay. I didn’t like it as much. The movie seemed to cover the same story line in a different city and it wasn’t as funny.

Margin Call – the husband picked it. I thought the movie was just okay. It is “A thriller that revolves around the key people at a investment bank over a 24-hour period during the early stages of the financial crisis.” and I don’t know, I’m not really into the financial crisis. Especially not from the perspective of the firms who put us in this crisis in the first place.

Friends With Benefits – This was cute. At first I wasn’t sure. I mean, there is a lot of naked-ness and behinds showing. And I don’t know, is it always necessary? But it’s set in NYC – and I love that. And it’s fun and funny and super cute. I did like it.

Have you seen anything good (or bad) lately?

monday: best of last week

:: four minute marriage habit to make you fall madly in love all over again ::

:: our housekeeping routine ::

:: detox recipes that taste really good ::

:: “hold them. take care of yourself”. this gave me chills ::

:: Elderly “Experts’ Share Life Advice (from a facebook friend) ::

:: great link – I want to make the quinoa and a natural playground ::

:: from this post, I found a link to this post at The Cleaner Plate Club that linked to this NPR story on breaking bad habits. And I think it’s a fascinating story ::

:: from that same link above – on carpe diem motherhood chronos and kairos time and the old lady at the store – “I’m trying to remind moms – trying to remind myself! – that we do have a choice: to elevate the snuggles and the laughs above the vomit and bickering and spilled milk. To set up our lives in such a way that we’re more rested, more ready, more able to cope with it all. To forgive ourselves when we screw up and move past the unrealistic expectations that make those moments of “failure” feel so much more awful to begin with.” ::