the honest truth

I’ve been hiding. I’ve hid this blog from people for ages. I don’t link to it on facebook or twitter. I don’t talk about it much in real life. I’m afraid. Of what I am afraid of I’m not exactly sure. I think for people to see more of me and judge me. Make fun of me.

Well, today I’m outing myself on facebook. And twitter. And I’ll talk to you about it in real life too.

And I’m outing my week too.

My grandfather was taken to the hospital by ambulance Sunday night for surgery. He should be fine, he had surgery and is recovering. But it really brings the reality of how short life is to you when loved ones are sick.

See the post below about our budget? I applied for a job. Kind of on a whim. I didn’t think I would really do it. And then they called for an interview. I did that last night. Not a single soul (besides Kelly) knows about this. Until now I guess. It’s retail, that’s about the only thing I can do in the evenings and weekends. And we can’t afford to put the kids in daycare. Do I want a job? Do I want to work? Will I even take it if they offer? I don’t know.

This morning I had a doctor’s appointment. I had a funny looking issue with one of my breasts. The doctor agreed and thought she felt a lump. She sent me downstairs for a mammogram and ultrasound. My first mammogram. Alone. I could only worry and feel scared and alone. The ultrasound and mammogram people (techs?) said they both looked clear and not to worry. Apparently a radiologist will read it and get back to me later though.

On Monday Ada will be getting new tubes put in her ears. One is blocked (or has fallen out) and she has had two ear infections in the last month. She’s up all night (I’m up all night). I know it’s a small and quick procedure. We’ve done it once before. But I still worry about her.

My to-do list is piling up. My want-to-do list is never ending. And here I am barely holding it together. My eyes well up with tears at silly radio commercials. My body is exhausted and aching. I know this is all temporary. But I just want to go sleep for the next few days.

Through it all there is so much beauty. I know this. I have so much to be thankful for. I’m just not really there right now.

So there you have the honest truth.

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